How to stop feeling down…and other things I just can’t master

Seems like my down days are trumping my up days these last few weeks. I don’t know if it’s the endless barrage of tests or appointments every single day. Or maybe it’s the waiting on results I was supposed to get on Friday? I need a break. It scares me to think this will be our lives forever. 

Carter’s ophthalmologist called on Friday with clear MRI results and we have a follow up with her in one month.

The neurologist hasn’t gotten back, but I’m making the assumption I will hear something on Monday. Even if I have to make my way to the clinic to drag the results out of someone myself. 

I also have an appointment with a new pediatrician, an appointment with a GI doctor and a new weekly occupational therapy appointment. 

Is there an emoji in my text bank that just looks exhausted? 

I was sort of hoping that the results would be positive and vision related. I know that’s terrible, but now it’s very likely that it is neurological. Something I feel like I know is true, but I’m still in denial. 

I want to enjoy Carter in spite of all of this. I want to enjoy his baby stage. His very long baby stage. I want to be there for him in other ways. To laugh and play. Not constantly seeking out the next test or therapy. Not constantly waiting to hear back from a doctor, causing me to be on such an edge that I become angry. Angry enough to throw things. 

I don’t want to get angry with my baby. He didn’t ask for this and he doesn’t even know there is a problem. He is sweet and innocent and I hate that I am so angry about this situation. 

I just want some normalcy. Just a tiny bit of normalcy. 

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