Pen to paper, keyboard to screen, however we choose to vent…I find that working through this journey is easing up by even the slightest bit by putting my feelings into words.
Everyone, from my family to my therapist, has told me to take this journey day by day. So every time I wake up, I try to start fresh. New day, new feelings. And it is all dependent on little man’s mood.
Today, we focused on each other while he lay in his crib. It lasted about 2 minutes, but it was two minutes of awesome. He knew I was there and he was listening to me. I can’t express the emotion behind what that feels like when I wasn’t even sure my baby knew who I was. I know now, he knows.
Then, as the day goes on, my feelings fluctuate. I don’t know what my one year old will be like. I don’t know if therapy will work. The slow progress will certainly get a parent down. I was always hoping for the light switch moment. The moment when it flicks on and he just gets it. I learn a little more each day that might not happen with little man.
But I’m encouraged by his little moments. Hoping they will eventually turn into big moments.
He knows me. At least I have that.
Our first Thanksgiving in our new home, our first Thanksgiving as a family. Turns out, Carter is not fond of crowds. Looks like he actually did inherit at least one of my traits.
Also, another first, we didn’t go anywhere! We stayed home in our pajamas and those who wanted to see little man, came to us. How very thankful we are!
This beautiful day of firsts also woke me with the most precious gift. Carter playing with his mobile. Actually using his hands to play with the toys. I cried. It was the best part of my day.
I am forever thankful.
I intend to treat this blog like a journal. I want to capture all the laughs, the tears, the madness, the emotions. I want to remember it all. All of it is important. All of it is my life.
Tonight, little man and I had a moment. And man, was it ever a moment. Lying on the cold bathroom floor, waiting for mama to run a warm bath, we had our moment. My man, who has never been interested with faces as they are much too boring for him, looked right up at me. And it wasn’t a glance, it was a “Hey. I see you. And I know you.” And I felt it.
It didn’t last very long in you and I time, but it lasted forever in ours. 7 months and I can count on one hand the number of times my man has noticed me. Or at least noticed enough where I could tell.
This was enourmous. This stood still. I could no longer hear the water running. I could no longer feel the cold air hitting my back. All I could feel, all I could hear, is this moment.
And I felt like I took a breath. A breath I haven’t breathed in ages.
My man and I just staring at each other. It was beautiful, it was big. I won’t ever forget it.